Dissociative Identity
by BlackSheep Fiction
Summary: There was more damage done then a little broken heart or abandonment issues when Edward left her in the woods that day. What happened drove her to insanity, literally.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: more random verbal vomit. What do you think? Can this be developed? Tell me your thoughts!**_

He was talking to me again, his voice blended with those of the people around me. These are the people that talk at me and about me but never to me, the people that can see me and not him. He mocks them all and mocks me. He never shuts up.

I glare at the pale translucent figure of someone I once thought I loved. Whom am I kidding, if that form ever showed up again, solid and real, I would love him all over again, no questions asked.

This boy left me alone. Stranded, in the middle of no where. I feel someone tugging at me and I jerk away looking back, it's only Jake. His mouth was moving but I didn't hear any of the words that were coming from him. My poor cousin, Jake. He had to look after me when I was at school and just to know whom I was alone is a good way to gain the status of social leper. The fact that we were family just doomed him from the start. I wasn't always like this. I used to be normal, until …

"Bella, get off of her! You're going to kill her, get off of her!" his voice penetrated the annoying voice of the ghost-boy and I paused, taking stalk of what was going on around me. There was a girl that I had apparently been sitting on. Her face was bloody and her eyes rolled back. By the blood on my bruised and broken knuckles, I would say that it was probably my fault she got that way.

I let Jake finally pull me away with the help of a few teachers and I glared at the boy whom only I saw. I hated him with just as much passion that I loved him with. "Why do you do this to me?" I screamed, but the fog was clearing from my head, which means he will leave and I will come back to reality where I am talked at and about but not to. There was a circle of kids around me backing up when I got close to them. I smiled because it was a defense, to use the crazy to my advantage. Only then did I realize that my victim must have had a few good hits in because I tasted blood, which probably made me looked pretty well over the disturbed fence.

Not that I wasn't there already.

"Jesus Bella, you really did it this time." Jake was whispering as he lead me away. "I don't think I can talk you out of trouble this time. They might even call Charlie."

I snapped my eyes to his tugging on his arm. "No, please don't let them call Charlie. I will behave. I didn't mean to do it. I didn't even know I was doing it."

"Bella, saying shit like that doesn't help." He said sighing as we made out way to the nurses office. "This is bad Bella. You know Charlie said that if he had to get one more call from the school, they will put you in the home."

I gave up yanking him in the other direction. He wasn't budging. "I will promise. I will tell them it was an accident."

Jake turned and faced me, his hands on my shoulders. "Bella, the girl was just sitting there. She wasn't even facing you. You attacked her for no reason."

I stared back, keeping my gaze steady as I could. "Edward was there. Mocking me, telling me how weak I was."

Jake was already shaking his head sadly. "He is gone. He was a boy that fucked up your head and left you in broken pieces on the forest floor, but he is gone. He is never coming back."

_He didn't understand! He is back, everywhere I fucking look_! I started to cry but stopped and turned away. Fine, he wouldn't come with me when I left, I would go by myself. I started to walk away only to be stopped again by a security guard that had snuck up right behind me. He had on the crisp white security uniform on that contrasted with his darker skin. He was Indian, probably hating his job. Hating me I could tell by the way he had his arms crossed and was looking down at me with what I am guessing was his most impressive intimidating stare.

A familiar voice whispered in my ear. '_He is in your way. He wants you locked up_.'

I narrowed my eyes at the guard with his shiny black name tag that read Gamble. Pfft, right, like that's his real name. "Move out of my way, I am leaving."

"I am told that you are to go to the office, Ms. Swan and to make sure you do." His voice was deep and scratchy.

'_Don't_ _let him stop you. It's only him standing between you and freedom_.' His voice was getting that taunting edge that drove me mad. How can he be so cocky? He was the one that was making me insane in the first place. '_You're keeping me close, that isn't insane_.'

I grabbed my temples and growled at the voice. "Fuck, just leave me alone, I can do this without you!"

I felt a large hand on my shoulder and then nothing…

I was spitting and kicking and scratching anyone in my reach. "Fuck you! Let me go! Fuck you!"

I looked around and I was three blocks away from the school and being cuffed and man handled into the back of a police car. Charlie's police car, if we are being accurate. Which I think is important that we are.

He was standing behind the people that had just successfully got me into the back of the cruiser, right next to security officer Gamble who now had a broken nose and three scratches that were bleeding pretty good down his face.

I watched as Charlie spoke to everyone and they shook their heads, looking at me with pity in their eyes and back at him again. After he told whatever sad story, probably my sad story, to the on lookers, he got into his car and just sat there with his head in his hands.

"You know what I have to do, right?" It was over ten minutes before he spoke and I had to lean forward in my seat since he asked so lightly.

"You're going to lock me up like some fucking animal." I snapped, wishing my hands were free so I could punch the cage that separated us.

Charlie half turned in his seat, looking at me with pleading eyes. I just stared back with my livid ones. "You know I don't want you to go away. I only just got you and only because your mother passed away."

"She died Charlie. If you are going to use it as a cop-out, then you might as well get it right." I growled moving my face close to the cage. "She got plastered on the highway by a semi truck driving to her boy friends house."

Charlie flinched but I wasn't sorry. She was cheating on him and karma got her hit by a car. Sounded like a fair trade-off if you ask me.

"Isabella! Stop this! Is all this really worth some heartbreak over a boy?"

No it wasn't, but I won't tell him that. I just stared at him.

It didn't faze Charlie in the least. He was geared up for a lecture and he was going to give one if it was the last thing he did. "He was a boy Bella. There are a lot of boys in the world—"

'Am I really just some boy? You loved everything about me, you even now love to hate me.' He was right.

"— You need to move past this whole thing and since you cant do this on your own, then I am going to help you." I missed the middle part of that speech, but I assume it was meant to be up lifting and inspirational.

I didn't feel up lifted or inspired. "You're going to lock me away because you're ashamed of me."

"Bella, you don't seriously believe that." He sighed and rubbed his face. "The parents of the girl you attacked are pressing charges unless you get help."

That was it. Charlie told me when I came to live with him that i could basically do as I pleased, as long as it didn't result in him picking me up as a cop (fail on that) or getting put into jail. (Most recent fail. Good job.)

"You are going to the hospital. They are going to do an evaluation and then admit you to the home from there." With that, Charlie started the cruiser and drove.

I laid back across the seat and watched the street lights and clouds go by in the sky. Charlie didn't even stop to go home and get clothes.

_**Review? What do you think? Workable?**_


	2. Chapter 2

**_A/N: Thank you for the reviews, I don't know how long this will be but the more feedback i get the more i write. :)_**

**_Don't forget to review_**

It took six hours before the cruiser finally came to a final stop in front of a large hospital with Greater Columbia Behavioral Health written on it. Charlie was on the phone about five minutes before we pulled in so I assumed that was what was with the two large men in white scrubs were doing waiting on the side walk for us.

I turned on my back and faced them. I had laid down back here about an hour ago, but didn't have the momentum to get myself back up when my hands and feet were cuffed. The door opened and the scrub twins pulled me buy my feet out of the car and got me standing on the sidewalk. The taller one with the staff badge that said Uley on it looked at Charlie. "Can you remove the restraints, Chief?"

Charlie looked weary. "Son, I don't think I should quite yet until you have some more back up on hand."

Scrub number two, also a very tall guy with no name tag at all, smiled. "We are trained to take care of and prepare for every situation, Chief."

Charlie smiled reassuringly, but didn't budge. "Son, I believe that you honestly believe that," both the scrubs' smiles dropped. "But you see, she took out a 300lb guard and ran for three country blocks, not city blocks mind you, taking out two more trained officers of the law." Chair put his hands up in a soothing gesture. "Now, I have all respect for you guys and how you will handle her once she is in side, but she did all that after nearly beating a girl to death, so if you could please just ease my mind and let me walk her on inside and then I will take the hand cuffs off."

I smiled at the large men, thinking about leaning forward and wiping my face off on their clean white scrubs because it was itchy with the crusty dry blood still on it. Charlie gently pushed my back and I shuffled forward walking slowly towards the huge entrance of the building. It was double doors, opening automatically as we got closer. I snorted shaking me head. I will be here twenty minutes before I get out.

Charlie leaned close to my ear and whispered. "Don't get so excited, the ward you are in isn't on this floor."

I glared a head of me. I hate that he knew what I was thinking. Maybe I am just not as good as hiding it as I once used to be. He walked straight to the elevators, getting on behind Scrub one and Scrub two. They pushed the 6 button and I felt us starting to lift up.

Oh god, six floors between me and freedom. This was going to be a little harder the originally thought. The hoist stopped and we all got off heading into a tiny room with maybe four chairs in it. We walked straight through the room and to a door that made a loud bussing noise before it opened. Behind that and in about five feet comes another door that, only after Scrub one pushed a code in, let him through.

Only when this door closed did Charlie stop trying to guide me with a hand on my back. We stopped by a reception area and stopped. The nurse behind the desk looked up and jumped a little. I guess my face still looked pretty fucked up.

"Police Chief Swan has an inpatient for CABI." Scrub one said to the nurse and her face relaxed some giving me a smile and then turned to Charlie. "The patients name?"

"Isabella Marie Swan." He said clearly, ignoring the sharp breaths that came followed by the ping-pong of glances between Charlie and me. He gave an uncomfortable smile and we all followed the nurse as she led us through a maze of hall ways to locked doors. Some had voices behind them, some had shouting and there was one that sounded like someone was getting beaten against the wall and liking it.

We finally reached an open door or a small white room. Scrub one, Charlie and me walked into the room and I held still but looked around as Charlie worked on taking the restraints off of me. '_This is your new cage_.' Right on cue, came the voice.

Ignored him the best that I could, instead focusing on the room. It was white. Very white and clean. The bed was really no more then a cot but it had a thin mattress and clean crisp white sheets and blankets. There was a window, but it had bars on it. That was it. "What does Cabby mean?"

Charlie frowned as he stood from releasing my feet. "What does what mean?"

"It's what Scrub One called me at the nurse's station." I said, cocking a thumb and a look to the Scrub in question. He lips twirked suspiciously. "She means CABI"

Charlie nodded understanding and shifted nervously from foot to foot. "It means Criminal Assessment by Incarceration."

I nodded walking slowly to the window. Scrub one started to speak and I only half listened. "Isabella, I am Sam Uley, I will be the attendant during the day. You will meet with Dr. Carlisle Cullen four times a week for the duration of your stay here. In addition, you will be meeting with a dietitian specialist twice a week and have community time for two hours a day."

'_You get to mingle with the other crazies_.' Taunted the voice.

I laughed out loud and turned from the window facing a concerned looking Charlie and Sammy the Scrub who only tilted his head. "Something amusing, Isabella?"

"Bella and yes. This whole thing is amusing to me, but then again, I am crazy. So really the color orange is amusing to me as well." I rolled my eyes and sat on the bed. "Are we don't yet?"

"Bella—" Charlie started but I stood walking fast across the room fast, making Sammy Scrub jump into action and holding my shoulders.

"Seriously, how long do you pan on keeping me locked up? How long does it take for you not to be ashamed of me?" I screamed at him.

"I won't be ashamed when you're not almost murdering innocent girls just because you're hurting over a stupid high school romance!" Charlie snapped back. He didn't lift a finger, but my head snapped back anyway.

'_I told you, he wants to be rid of you! You're too weak! Just like I though a year ago_.' The voice hissed.

"I think it's time to go, Chief Swan. Let's let Bella settle in." Sammy Scrub said. It was more of a demand then a request.

I could see the immediate regret on Charlie's face for his comment but I didn't drop my glare. He was leaving me here to rot; I wasn't going to give him a pat on the back and say. "_It's okay, don't worry, I understand_." Fuck that let his guilt eat him alive.

They left the room and I was left to the pale boy in the corner and his voice in my head. He was snickering and throwing in his opinions of the situation. I lay back on the bed and covered my face. "You know this is all your fault, right?"

'_You don't have to talk back_.'

"You torment me! Why are you doing this to me?" I hissed at him growling when I looked up at him and found him no longer in the corner but the foot of my bed.

'_I am nothing but a manifestation of your_—'

"Guilt and low self esteem giving it a being and reason to fester and continue." I finished rolling my eyes. The door of my room opened and I sat up quick, watching Sammy Scrubs come back in slowly and close the door behind him.

"Bella, Dr. Cullen will be in here shortly, is there anything that you need right now or any questions you may have?" he asked carefully. He was good, I will give him that. He got down being able to speak to me without sounding as if he was speaking to a toddler and without the accusation.

"No, Sammy Scrub, I am super comfy. Four star place you got here." I snapped sarcastically. "How's room service."

Sammy smiled pleasantly at me. "Well we have a sedative cocktail on special right now, also some restraints in case you were feeling… restless. Your father put you in our care and we will make sure that you get better and are no longer a danger to other's as well as yourself."

I snorted. "I have no interest in offing myself."

"Well I should hope not, it's not an interesting subject at all." He is funny, I like him.

"How long have you been here, Sammy Scrub?" I asked laying back down again.

"Ten years." He replied automatically. He pulled up a chair that was in the corner of the room and sat next to me. "So you and your dad don't get along, huh?"

I snorted and looked him over. "I thought the Dr was supposed to be asking these kinds of questions."

Sammy shrugged. "I find that it is easier to handle the people that I am taking care of if we start out at a sort of ground zero of friendship."

I laughed at him. "You don't want to be my friend."

He cocked his head to the side and smiled. "Why would you say that?"

I gave him a level look without blinking. "I have a whole high school of kids and a woman whose daughter is in ICU now because of me that will tell you, there is no reason trying to be friends with me. My family doesn't even want me."

Sammy was shaking his head. "I don't think that you family doesn't want you. I think that they want to see you happy and healthy."

I snorted at that, but he didn't argue the point, which I appreciated. "So you're from La Push?" I nodded and he smiled. "Well so am I, also we have a patient here by the name of Paul Lahote, he is also from La Push."

I knew of Paul, everyone in La Push knew about Paul. Well we all knew some used and abused version of his story, but is goes basically like this. Mr. Lahote used to beat the hell out of Mrs. Lahote for as long as they were together, or so they say. Paul would protect her best as he could and when Paul turned 16 and was suddenly bigger then Mr. Lahote, the power shifted in the household. Paul came home to his father having beaten his mother to death while Paul was at school and killed him. Paul Lahote had been here ever since and he was only two years older then I.

"I have never personally met him." I said, trying to get across that I knew the name, not the person. Sammy scrubs understood and looked like he was going to say something else, but the door opened and a very tall, not unpleasant looking, man walked through the door with a large smile on his face.

"Ms. Swan, I am Dr. Carlisle Cullen, I will be seeing you four times a week and I thought that was reason enough to come on down and say hello." He held out his hand and I looked at it and at Sammy. Sammy Scrubs nodded and so I put out my hand and took the good Dr.'s offering. "I see you have met Samuel already, he is our day time attendant and—" Dr. Cullen looked at his watch and smiled at Sammy. "Your shift is over by thirty minutes."

That was the passive aggressive way of saying, 'You're off the clock, what the fuck are you still doing here?' Sammy Scrubs didn't look phased to his credit. He just smiled and nodded. "Oh I know Dr., I am off the clock. Bella here had a rough time at entry with her dad, so I wanted to make sure that she was alright now."

I looked at Sam and smiled. Okay he just earned the proper name Sam, no more Sammy Scrubs. He stayed after hours to check on me. I really do like this guy. '_Oh watch out, that means she will try to fuck you now man_.'

I looked over in the corner of the room where Edward was now casually leaning against the walk, watching everything go one. I glared at him before I could stop myself and the Dr. caught it, looking behind him to see what I was looking at. This of course, through his eyes was nothing.

"Is everything alright Bella?" Sam asked, gaining a hard look from the Dr. and that was his cue to bow out. "If you need anything, you go ahead and ask Dr. Cullen, okay? I will see you in the morning with your breakfast."

I nodded slowly and swept my eyes from Sam's retreating form to the Dr. whom was now sitting in the chair next to the bed. I sat on the bed, cross legged and all the way back so my back was against the wall, waiting for him to talk.

"Can you tell me what happened at school today?" Dr. Cullen said, watching my face closely. Wow, skip the bullshit and goes straight for the throat.

"No." well it was the truth. "I don't even remember attacking her, my cousin Jake said she had her back to me and that she didn't even do anything."

"Do you remember anything before that? Perhaps it was something that might have brought out an extreme emotion or something like maybe you heard them talking about a subject that just upsets you? Or perhaps it was something unrelated that made you sad or angry?" I thought hard, really trying at this question but came out blank. I shook my head and heard a snickering at my right ear. '_You are a fucking liar, why not tell them? It's their job to fix your broken, crazy mind_.'

I made a swatting motion to get him to go away but it didn't work, he was breathing in my ear. "No, I can't remember anything, I came back to myself when Jake shouted at me that I as going to kill her." I looked down at my hands and saw her blood caked inside my nails and there was still stickiness to my own face and felt nothing. No guilt. No remorse. I didn't even care that she could have died at my hands. "Can I take a shower?"

Dr. Cullen smiled and nodded as he rose from the chair and headed to the door calling for someone. A beautiful younger woman walked into the room. She had pink scrubs on and short brunette hair that pulled tightly into a pony tail. Her name tag said Leah. She smiled at me with perfect professional tolerance and gestured out into the hall towards what I was guessing was the bathrooms. "Umm…I don't have any change of clothes."

"You won't need them." Leah said, gently shooing me. "We provide clothing here for you. They will be waiting for you by the time you are done."

A shower never felt so good. I was starting to warm up to this place. It was like being on a vacation. They give you drug, keeping you relaxed. People that help you everywhere and they react immediately, if you have a temper tantrum. It was pretty great actually.

Until night time. I have been here for a month now, getting into my routine and during the day, I can keep my self surprisingly busy and distracted enough to ignore the translucent Edward Mason that moves around with me wherever I went.

I wasn't sleeping or eating. The more he got to me the faster I became the hospitals most violent patient.

"Sam! PUT ME DOWN!" I was screaming and kicking fighting the large man that easily dwarfed me. I was in the middle of trying to bash my food tray through the head of the guy across the hall from my room. He leered at me everyday and told me he was going to masturbate to thoughts of me.

"Bella, until you can sit in your room with the door open without attacking anyone, I will not let you walk anywhere on your own." Sam said calmly. Always calm, I would one day like to see Sam snap. I'll bet it's really scary. I hope it isn't on me.

I went limp suddenly in his arms, letting him carry me over his shoulder like a caveman. "Where are you taking me?"

"Third wing." He said easily, not even flinching when I gasped.

It doesn't take long staying here to learn that if you are being sent to the third wing mean you were in big trouble. Third wing is where they housed the most violent crazies. If you are sent there more then three times in one month then you don't come back out. "Sam, no, no, no. He told me everyday that he was going to fuck himself to thoughts of me! He said it everyday; I just couldn't take it anymore! I am sorry!"

"No you aren't. You are sorry that you are getting in trouble for it, but you don't actually feel regret or remorse. We have to fix that. That is why you are going here. You can tell the Dr. what happened exactly. I don't care, its how you handled what happened and that is what I care about. " There was a buzz and a large door opened into a caged room like the one when you entered the Ward. But there was a huge window against this cage that had four nurses looking in a small room. One of which's job is solely to look into this window and make sure that only those who were allowed to, were entering and leaving.

I got put on my ass roughly and I glared at Sam, who only looked back with poorly hidden amusement. "You have a room mate here at least." Sam said pointing to the barred window that only lead to the room next you. I rolled my eyes and stood fast, making Sam tense slightly. Anyone that didn't spend half their day with him wouldn't have spotted it. I did.

"When is the doc coming to lecture me about words and not violence?" I asked, lying back on the bed. This actually was a cot, no mattress.

'_When you show him your pussy and suck him off_.' Chimed in Edwards's voice, he was by the door. I glared at him. "Don't be disgusting."

Sam was used to me talking to Edward by now, but he still frowned. "He will be here in about two hours." He turned towards the door and only just reached it when he turned and looked back at me. "You need to try harder, Bella. I don't want to see you end up in this wing for good."

It wasn't a threat or an empty concern. He was serious, looking at me with touching sincerity. I didn't say anything, so he left. There was a small thudding noise in the room next door and though it was annoying at first, it did bring a kind of soothing calm to the dead silence of the room. I got up, going to the small window in my room and looking in.

There was a man, early twenty-ish by the look of him, sitting in the chair in his room and bouncing a tennis ball on the wall and catching it again. He was a big guy, not fat but built up. He hair was shaved close to his scalp, like most male patients here, and his skin was the deep ten that I was used to seeing every day on the reservation. He noticed the movement and caught the ball staring at the window.

I swallowed suddenly nervous.

He got up and walked closer pressing his face gently against the bars. I didn't move, just took his stare and stared right back. His eyes were a light brown. Almost honey color. "I am Isabella."

"I knew an Isabella once. Long time ago." He said, he voice was rough but deep and I kind of liked listening to it. "I am Paul."


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: Thank you guys so much for the feed back i have gotten. I understand this is a risky title, but I swear if you give it a chance, you will come to understand and love it. Very few are prevvy to my jumbled, insane, completely random way of thinking, but those who have followed where I am going with this had good things to say about it so hang in there for me folks. Things are just getting started!**_

_**No beta, mistakes are mine to love and cherish and curse at later when I reread this after it's posted...**_

Chapter 3

"Tell me why it is that you get so angry." Dr. Cullen asked watching my face carefully. It was the same question he asked every time I saw him. I did not heed the warning that Sam gave me when I got to the third wing. It has been a month and I haven't left yet and I am no closer to ridding myself of the voice that torments me into violence.

I turned my head to look at the doctor and smiled pleasantly, but didn't say a word. Fuck them, they had me bound to my bed with leather restraints on my wrists and ankles and then they send the doctor in as if he will magically fix everything about me.

'_You are beyond fixing, don't kid yourself, you're never getting out_.'

My pleasant smile turned into a growl when I saw him standing behind the doctor. Dr. Cullen nodded and wrote something down in his notebook. "Tell me about Edward Mason. You've touched briefly on it only once and then never again. Who is he?"

I looked at the ceiling and just stared, close mouthed. Dr. Cullen sighed and stood. "Well if you are unwilling to talk Isabella, then we can always give you something that will make your more willing. Keeping everything inside isn't healthy and I consider it doing harm to you."

I chewed my lip and shook my head. I didn't want their drugs. They make me talk and talk and even when I am screaming on the inside to shut up, I am still talking, about nothing and everything. Dr. Cullen slowly sat back down. "So you are ready to talk now?"

I nod slowly and sighed. "I went to school with Edward Mason over a year and a half ago."

Dr. Cullen nodded and wrote in the notebook. "Were you two just friends or more?"

There was a pain in my stomach that I was pretty sure means I was dieing, but I went on. "We dated, for a while. Almost a full year."

"Did he pass away?"

I physically flinched and turned my face to look at the wall. "No, he left the state."

"Leaving you heart broken." Dr. Cullen gave a sympathetic noise and I snapped. "Yes, heart broken, sure you can say that. He also took me into the woods before he did it and didn't put on that we were breaking up. No he instead…" I took a breath to calm myself. The whole story really wasn't needed in this situation. Really just the basics warranted telling. "He left me there after saying how weak and pointless I was. '_A waste of the past year of my life_' was his words."

'_And a slut, don't forget to tell him that. We shared that beautiful moment together right before I got rid of you_.' He sneered from over behind the Dr. somewhere.

"And why do you think that he is the one that you hear in your head all the time now?"

There was a loaded question if I ever heard one. "Well, I don't know doc, if I did know then I probably wouldn't be laying here with _my fucking arms tied up, would I_?"

Dr. Cullen frowned at me the way only Dr. Cullen can. "Now Isabella, there is no need for you to get hostile. What I simply mean is, I have heard you repeat a phrase that sounds like you have been told before in the past why it is that you hear Edward in your head."

I glared at him and shook my head. "No, no one has every told me. I went looking for answers on my own." I snapped. "I researched my symptoms and read somewhere that what I experience is a manifestation of my guilt and low self esteem, giving it substance and purpose to fester and continue."

Dr. Cullen cocked his head and looked at me with a slight amused look. '_He thinks you are fucking stupid_.' Edward said, popping up over the doctors left shoulder pretending to read his note book. '_Yup right here, Isabella is a fucking idiot_.'

"What does all that mean to you?"

"It means that I am a fucking nut job that can't handle rejection and would rather spend time with an evil manifestation version of my ex boyfriend then be alone." I growled and turn my face to the wall before he could see me cry again. "I want to see Sam. I don't want to answer anymore questions."

Dr. Cullen sighed, but conceded and got up, leaving the room with only a reminder that I would see him again the day after tomorrow, provided I stayed out of trouble. It was thirty minutes before Sam walked into my room.

"Hey there Bella, I heard you wanted to talk to me." He said gently, frowning at the leather restraints.

I nodded quickly. "Please let me go, I will be okay. I am good now, nothing at all to be mad about."

Sam put a hand up to halt me. In my short stay here, he had already leaned about my pleading habit. "Bella, you know I can't do that. You attacked a nurse."

"She was stickin' me without warning! What was I supposed to do?" I argued.

"Turn and look before you start attacking someone for starters" Sam said calmly. "You could have seriously hurt her."

"Well she is sticking us with the shit, why would it hurt her?" I said looking at him with a level gaze. He shook his head at me and sat down on the cot. "You won't ever get better if you don't learn to feel feelings again outside of anger."

I watched his face closely. "You got a wife Sam?"

He smiled a little a nodded. "Yes I do have a wife. Do you want to know where I met her?"

I shrugged but really, I did. I had been here for a month now and didn't know much about the only real friend I had.

He smiled again. "I met her here." I guess my surprise showed on my face because his smile turned into a grin. "I know, I know. I met her when I had first started here and she was in here because she was terrified and angry with everyone." He shook his head amazed. "I should have told you the story weeks ago, it is very similar to you."

I turned my head listen more intently.

"She was dating a man that she thought was just… the sun and the moon, you know?" _oh boy did I know_. "He was horrible to her and she didn't seem notice or care because she was so in love with him. He ended up getting arrested for raping a young girl and he thought that it was Emily, that is my wife's name, was the one that turned him in, so for before the police could get a handle on him, he threw acid in her face, completely damaging the left side of her face."

I was horrified for the pain she must have felt. Physically and emotionally. I can hear Edward sneering somewhere in the room. '_She deserved it, the stupid bitch._'

"She came here still very angry with the world and how things turned out. Nasty to everyone in general population and ended up here, in the third wing, just as you did. Like I said I was new here at the time, but I befriended her, just like I friend everyone I can and it took months and months, but eventually she opened up to me and I got to see a beautiful and generous and kind person that she was before she met that man." He smiled softly. "She eventually got better and when she got out, she kept visiting me, ultimately we started dating and then got married."

I was staring at the ceiling with a frown and shook my head. "I don't want to open up to you." I look over at him. "No offence, but I just don't think I can be helped."

Sam laughed and stood up slowly, unbuckling the restraints. "Bella, when you learn to trust someone again, you will start feeling things other then the anger you are holding on to. When that happens, weather or not it's me, you will want to open up to someone and trust me," He paused as he undid the last buckle. "They will be grateful and cherish the moment you do."

I rubbed my wrists and looked up at him with a questioning look. "Why are you freeing me?"

Sam smiled and pulled me to my feet leading me to the door. "I think that today you would benefit from the general population."

I snorted but walked anyways. "Mingling with the other crazies."

I could hear Edward laughing from somewhere still in the room and right behind me, Sam tisked. "Don't say that."

"Normal impaired?" I asked giving him a cheesy grin. Despite him self, he laugh and it made me smile. We walked up the hall way and into another set of those two door security doors before I saw a room full of other people. Some of them where just milling around, talking to plants or even just the empty space. I spotted where I wanted to go right away.

Sam leaned close to my ear, "I am not really supposed to be letting you in here, so please be on your best behavior."

I nodded and shooed Sam away, making my way across the room to where I saw Paul playing pool by himself.

"Hey." I sat down in a huge chair against the wall and picked up a pool stick looking at it. "Can I play?"

"No." Snapped Paul, taking a shot and I instantly saw red and stood up, holding the stick like a weapon. I noticed Sam noticing my stance and he looked tense as he came walking closer to Paul and I. I growled a little throwing the stick on the table messing up his shot. He spun on me fast pinned me hard with his look.

I pat myself on the back for not flinching a bit. Sam's voice interrupted our stare down. "Why don't you two come and help me with something?"

The tension in Paul's muscles eased as his eyes shifted to Sam. "No thanks Sam, I was just about to play another game of pool here."

"No you were about to help me with something." Sam said cheerfully, but the look on his face told us that he wasn't really a suggestion. Paul nodded getting the hint and we both followed Sam out of the recreational room and up a few several identical hall ways before coming to the laundry room we had on this ward. "So now, you see, we have suddenly come up short here in the laundry room and I need you two to work here for a while."

Paul glared at me and I groaned at first but then an idea hit me. "What's our pay?"

I have never seen Sam's calm and cheerfulness falter, but for a split second, today he did. "What?"

"We are working here, are we not? So that mean's we should get paid." I am a friggin genius. Paul even looked impressed.

Sam however narrowed his eyes assessing me. "Name your terms."

I instantly knew what I wanted. "A pack of smokes each a week and our two hours rec time outside."

Sam rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I cannot walk you guys out to the front of the hospital and besides, you can't smoke here a the hospital anyways."

"Then the roof top." Paul chimed in. "Come on, me and Swan here aren't jumpers and no one will be bothered by us smoking." I nodded looking pleadingly at Sam.

Sam rubbed his face and sighed, clearly defeated on the issue. "Alright but this is our secret and if you guys have even one fight or argument up there or in here, we are going back to sweat shop free labor. Understand?"

I grinned and nodded, looking at Paul who was doing the same. Sam was satisfied and so he showed us what exactly we were doing and then closed the door behind him, locking it.

"That was pretty smooth, Swan." Paul said reluctantly as we folded a sheet together. I shrugged setting it aside after we had finished.

"I learned a long time ago that people will negotiate a lot to be able to not have to deal with a crazy person." I said simply, picking up another sheet.

"So I heard all that bull shit you were slinging to the doc." Paul said finishing off that sheet and picking up another. "Why didn't you tell him the truth?"

I snorted. "That was the truth, apparently not a very impressive one if people keep questioning me about it." I frowned at the sheet and looked at Paul. "Is what they say about you true?"

He shrugged looking at me, his honey eyes borrowing into mine making me feel like I was standing naked in front of him, all secrets exposed. He could see every single one of them and I had no where to hide.

'He is going to try and fuck you, because he knows that you are such a huge slut.'

"Well, Isabella Swan, what is it that they say about me?" He smirked and grabbed his junk. "That I have a horse cock and I am the best lay in the whole Washington State?" he laughed bitterly and went back to folding. "Not that the speck of La Push's opinion would have any impact on me."

I rolled my eyes. "It does matter because it is your home." I frowned and nodded looking at Paul again. "I think that is why I feel the need to be close to you, physically I mean."

Paul raised a brow, cupping his junk again and smirked. "You do?"

I waved my hand at him and laughed when he sadly took his hand off his crotch and went back to folding. "I mean like in the rec room and standing close to you in lines. It like a wolf thing, you know? They are more at ease if they are close to their family."

"So because we are both from La Push now, that makes us family?" He snorted and moved to the other table next to the one with all the sheets. This one had a pile of white shirts. "La Push abandoned me a long time ago, same as you. They are not our family. This is more of a home to me then anywhere else in the world."

And with that, he fell silent. This was how the first six months of my stay at Greater Columbia Behavioral Health went. Paul and I were not close. There wasn't some magical day where we fell in love and suddenly got better and left the hospital, the end.

No, it was better. We became best friends. The six months after that were even better.

It had been a year and Paul still had a temper and so did it, but rarely did we fire it off at each other. If it was then it became something else, sexual mostly. Don't look so shocked, we are fucking insane and locked in a hospital, mostly in our small rooms for 12 hours a day. It's what we do to not be bored, or scratch a personal itch. There were plenty of times where it started out a fist fight between us and ended up fucking on the floor. I am sure Sam knew, but he didn't comment. Dr. Cullen said that Paul and I synchronized.

We fought, we fucked, and we talked. It helped and it worked for us. I hadn't heard Edward in over two months.

He even authorized it so that we could visit each other's rooms freely, as long a nurse was standing by so that no fighting or 'hankey pankey' ensued.

We were now however, in the laundry room, sorting out an argument we had had the day before. "Don't be so fucking stupid, Swan."

"Jesus Christ Paul if you call me stupid one more fucking time, I am going to sting you up by your testicals with these sheets." I snapped at him, holding up a sheet to punctuate my point.

Paul only laughed at me, as he often did with my threats. Not that he didn't believe me, oh trust me he did. I attempted to follow through on almost every threat I throw at him, but he is so much stronger and bigger then me that it usually doesn't go anywhere. Well it usually runs in the opposite direction of threats and anger.

Today was no different.

I closed the distance between us and slapped him across the face hard. It was hard enough to snap his face to the side and his laughter died there and his eyes darkened. He liked me violent and I liked that he liked it. His eyes burned into mine and the muscle on his cheek twitched. "Do that again, Swan and see what happens."

I sneered poking him in the chest. "What, you will moan at me until I apologize." I smirked. "I know your weakness and it's defiantly not love taps." I pulled back my hand slapping hard again and he bit his lip, he hands shaking slightly. He knew I was right, this boy loved to be slapped around, but not in a controlled dominatrix kind of way. More like a heat of the moment get the adrenaline pumping kind of way. It made him hard when I slapped his face, he loved the raw passion, and even if it was passionate hate, he still loved it.

I was going in for my fourth one when he stopped my hand and jerked me forward, letting me slam into the folding table hands and belly first. I tried to spun around to retaliate, but he was on me already pinning me between him and the table and neither were budging.

He looked right into my eyes and whispered to me. "You're fucking stupid." I growled, lifting my hands to slap him again, but he caught my wrists and smirked. "Nah ah, no you don't." he tapped my cheek in an affectionate gesture, but a solid execution that made me narrow my eyes at him.

"Now like I said, you are fucking stupid if you don't take this deal that the attorney gave you, it's a fucking ticket out of here." He was talking serious, but his hands were pushing down my thin drawstring pants that were provided to every patient.

My eyes rolled back some when his fingers found a familiar path to between my legs and I rocked against them. "What if I don't want out of here?"

His hands pushed my legs open more so I was spread for him, I knew what was coming next and it tried not to moan in anticipation. _Seriously, why would I intentionally leave this?_

"Then like I said, you are fucking stupid." He growled into my ear before flicking his wrist and slapping up between my legs. It was a glorious sensation, like it always was and I cried out, my hands going to the table to steady myself. "You are better, according to the doctor and everyone else and you have a chance to leave. You are going to take that chance, got it?"

I opened my eyes and glared at him. "Fuck you."

He smirked. "You will, but I'm not done with this yet." And with that he slapped down there again. He didn't stop until I came three times and screamed out my promise that I would take the offer that the attorney and Dr. Cullen had given me to be able to go home and do out patient help from a near by clinic in La Push.

I didn't know if I could do this. Without Dr. Cullen. Without Sam. Without Paul. Without Paul my best friend and possibly the only one in the world that knew every detail of my story and every thing about me.

It's scared me more to leave then it did to come here in the first place.

I guess the bottom line was I was fucked. Again.


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/U: thank you to those that have stuck with me on this one. i know it's different but I promise when it all said and done it will be awesome.** _

Chapter 4

My name is Isabella Swan. I am a normal girl living in La Push, Washington near my father and his new wife, Sue. My step brother lives with them too and we get long perfectly. I would gladly say that we are a happy family.

I recently got a job at a small clinic on the reservation, talking with patients that have drug dependency problems. I have been doing so well at it, they were talking about promoting me to a half way house counselor. My own counselor I see several times a week for my own past darkness recommended it. I don't remember it much and my psychiatrist says that I my mind had created a wall from those things because it was the only way I could get better. My cousin Jake told everyone that knows me not to speak of what happened. He doesn't want me to remember because he said it killed him to see how much pain I was in, so I never asked for details. I came home from a "health spa", as my father calls it, about four months ago.

I am in my own apartment in La Push, not because I dislike my home, because as I said, we all get along just fine. I like it however, because my step mother Sue is expecting a baby now and I just feel that it is time for me to be a responsible adult and live on my own. Leah, my older step sister, said she wanted to come with me when I moved out, so I guess I am not exactly on my own, but the responsible tag still stands.

It seems like I have lived this life forever and I cannot imagine how I could be anyone else. Except for a pill I have to take two times a day, I would say that I have nothing to remind me of that life. Dad had a few reservations with me moving out on my own so soon after I got back from the 'Spa', with my therapists urging, he relented and now I am here, sitting in my new living room with my step sister, eating pizza on the floor.

"So we got a new specialist transfer into the home today." Leah said excitedly through a mouth full of pizza. She worked at the half way house as a nurse, which is another reason why this recent job promotion would be a good thing.

I grinned at her. Leah was a serial dater. She loved the new and exciting feeling of when you first date someone, but as soon as they are comfortable and there isn't anything left for her to find interesting about them, she leaves them and moves on to the next. "Oh yeah, Does he have the potential to be the next dent in your mattress?"

She smirked at me evilly and nodded. "Oh Bella, if you could just see him. He is a paleface, but just absolutely gorgeous. Tall, shaved down hair, light ice blue eyes…" Leah made a swooning gesture that made me crack up laughing. She sure did have a weakness for the palefaces. She says it's because no one on the reservation interests her, but I really think it's because she didn't want to end up like her mother sue. Married to a local and stuck on the rez for the rest of her life. I knew Leah's late father, Harry, he was a sweet guy and even an elder here on the reservation, but a firm believer that woman should serve their men and stay home and pop out babies.

It made Leah shudder when she even thought about it.

That was just not the life she wanted and really I couldn't blame her. However, it is what makes me believe that she only dates the pale faces because she knows it would have just killed her father if he weren't already dead. Maybe that is what gave poor old Harry a heart attack. Leah told him she was dating a paleface and going to not marry him before they had sex.

"Well, if all goes well, this week I should be shown my new office there at the home." I said grinning. It was so much easier to be working there then the clinic. I would have a consistent group of people I worked with which meant longer hours, but a much lighter work load. Plus, the home was closer to my apartment then the clinic was.

Leah raised her beer bottle and I did the same laughing as we clinked, causing head to foam out of the top of the bottle. "Well good, by then I will be knee deep in Emmett."

I stopped staring at her and cracked up laughing, "Please never say that again."

She nodded seriously. "Yeah, even to me, that sounded wrong."

"Oh, I almost forgot!" I fished through my purse finally finding my pill bottle and shook it to show Leah what I was talking about. She laughed. "Should you be taking those with alcohol? Wouldn't that like… I don't know, make them not work?"

I shook my head throwing two pills into my mouth and taking a swig off my beer. "Nah, they work just fine either way. Although I was told that, they work like birth control pills in that aspect. They are guaranteed to work 99.9% of the time, as long as I am not taking antibiotics at the same time."

"Or breathe the wrong way…" Leah said letting a small smirk grow on her lips.

I knew what she was doing and I smiled too. "Or I might have exercised too much and they worked their way out of my body…"

"Or maybe you had too many bowel movements while taking them…" with that, we both started laughing hard. There was a nurse that worked for the clinic that we all suspected of sleeping with one of her patients, but she denied it again and again. Then one day it became obvious that she was pregnant and she came up with a fictitious boyfriend that somehow penetrated the wall of birth control that she claimed to have. She came up with many interesting theories on how that happened.

The next morning brought the news I had been waiting for and I could only grin as my counselor proudly fired me from the clinic and handed over my notice that I'll be moved to the home.

It only took me thirty minutes to pack up my desk completely and head to the car, since the half way house was pretty close to my apartment, I just went home and carried my small box of supplies over to the house.

I didn't even get a chance to get the door open myself, it was opened for me by two teenagers grinning broadly. "Hey there, Bella."

"Quil and Embry how are you two today?" I said smiling back at the two boys. They were in my counseling care about a year ago when they both turned 18 and picked up twice for being creepy. I am serious, they are best friends, but only brought together by their mutual love for stalking. They fixate on a person, usually someone who was nice to them once or twice and then they go stalker. They have improved a lot, however Quil was recently picked up because his first long term girlfriend and him didn't work out. She broke up with him and he went back to his stalking ways, talking Embry into helping him. So here they are. Again.

"Oh you know, people watching." Embry said laughing loudly. He enjoys making fun of the fact that he is a creeper. Quil snorted taking the box from my hands and carrying it for me. I pointed down the hall to where my new office was and followed the boys, listening as they told me of everything I should know while working there.

"And the staff pool together to buy us cigarettes once a week." Embry joked winking. I smiled setting my bag on my desk. "Thank you boys, anything else I should know?"

"You and the new guy share an office." Quil shrugged. "He is nice, keep a bottle of jack in the bottom drawer of his desk."

I gasped shaking a finger at him. "Quil, you should be going through the counselor's desks!"

They laughed as they headed out of the office. I looked around noticing just how big the room was for the first time. It was about the size of a comfortable bedroom with a desk at each end, mine being furthest from the door. I walked over to the desk to see if I could see nay pictures, but found none. I see his name plate though, so I picked it up, reading Emmett McCarty in the etched letters. _Ohhh so THAT is Emmett_. I laughed to myself thinking about how jealous Leah was going to be that we now share an office.

"My name isn't that funny." Said a voice behind me, making me scream like a teenager and spin around holding my heart. "I mean I got it from my grandfather so I know it's out dated, but I don't think it's really funny."

Holy crap, I am at a loss for words. He is gorgeous! He's well built, shaved hair and I suspected that even if his lips weren't smiling, his crystal blue eyes would do the job for him. The humor on his lips now as he watched me trying to recover looked very good on him.

"Holy Crow, you scared the jellies out of me!" I gasped, trying to catch my breath. I don't know yet if it was from him taking my breath away or the scare. I got a hold of myself and put a hand out, trying put a composed smile on. "Hello, I am Isabella Swan."

Emmett walked across the room and took my hand, firmly yet gently and shook it. "Pleasure to meet you Isabella." He said with a large smile. "So I guess that we will be spending a lot of time together."

I froze. _Huh_?

Emmett's lips twitched and he gestured to the office. "You know, because we are sharing an office together." Oh, right. Damn Bella, get your head in the game.

I opened my mouth to respond, but was cut off by a familiar sing song voice out in the hall. "Emmmmeeettttttt."

He smiled and looked to the door to reply. "I am in here, just meeting my new roommate."

Leah's head popped around the corner of the door frame and grinned wide. "Bella! So you have met our resident hunk."

_Oh lord, Leah has no shame_.

Emmett just shook his head grinning. "I don't know about hunk… sexy maybe, not hunk. There is a cut off point to these things."

She came into the room fully and walked right up to him, lifting up his shirt to show off his extremely toned and tanned abs and I am pretty sure I just moan out loud. Leah looked back at me. "Hunk or just sexy?"

"Uuhh." There ya go Bella_, impress with your intelligence_.

Leah cracked up laughing dropping his shirt and taking his hand and pulling him to the door. "Come on sexy hunk, you promised me lunch today."

Emmett grinned back at me and shrugged. "It was nice to meet you too, and hey if you're find of that you can keep it." He winked before he left the room laughing. I frowned wondering what in the world he was talking about.

And then there it was in my hands. I was still holding the engraved name plate from his desk; I had been holding it the whole time. _Oh god, kill me now_.

I quickly replaced the name plate back on his desk and worked to start organizing my desk. I didn't have many things really. A few files on the people I have taken care of in the clinic that are now here in the home, like the stalker twins. In fact I really never had any personal decorations. There are a few pictures of Leah and me when we moved into the apartment. My dad jokes that as soon as I walked out of the 'spa', nothing before that ever existed. He isn't really wrong.

It seems that way anyways. I guess if I have blocked it out then it wasn't worth remembering, right?

My day flew by fast with only seeing a few people. Quil was in my office pretty fast because the cook threatened to put a knife in his face if Quil didn't stop following him. Quil insisted that he wasn't stalking her, just the pudding he knew she was hiding. I will have to talk to the director of the home because it seems to me that if crazy people make you nervous, you probably shouldn't be working in home full of them.

After that was sorted out, I only saw Emmett twice more as he was in and out of the office really fast to grab a file or drop off his bag. When Leah and him got back from lunch, they seemed pretty chummy and I was happy for her. Sort of. It's hard to be fully happy for her because I know that she just chews these guys up and spits them out, but she got what she wanted I guess and she is never shy about announcing exactly what she wants. So he fell into her… bed… arms... Whatever, then I guess he knew what he was getting into.

At home later, after we had dinner and I begged off our nightly wine drinking for tiredness, I was laying in bed staring at the ceiling, just listening to the soft music that Leah was playing in the next room.

My counselor told me that this time was the best to reflect on concerns for the day or life in general. Tonight I didn't feel like that though. I was thinking of a dream. It was a dream I had been having for weeks now and it was exactly the same every time. It made me think that I was going to wake up one morning and the dream will be reality. Which would make all this with Leah and the home and the stalker twins and Emmett, all a dream?

Get a hold of yourself Bella, going to get your self sent back to the spa.

I turned to my side and closed my eyes. I saw a man who was built, but not obnoxiously so. He had the familiar tan skin I grew up seeing and honey eyes that made me bite my lip a little, even now. He was hardened and rude. Never was he kind or sweet with me, but I didn't care. I have never felt safer in my life then when this dream man looked at me.

"Bella, get up! Your alarm has been going off for twenty minutes!"

I sat straight up in bed and looked around confused_. I swear it was just… but when did I…_ I sighed and got out of bed, clumsily walking to the bathroom to trip my way into the shower.

When I got out of the shower, there was a hot cup of coffee sitting on a note from Leah. I wrapped the towel tighter around me and picked up the note.

Bella,

So yesterday at lunch I told Emmett of my plan to seduce him and he said if he were into one night stand then he would be the luckiest man alive, but he wasn't so I will just have to tell him when I do find the next one. I am pretty sure if I could ever feel guilty about my guys, he would be the one to do it to me. He is way too nice for the one night stand type anyways. Hey! You are boring and believe in long term shit, maybe you two can hook up! Ha!

Que eye roll from me.

You are rolling your eyes right now! I am leaving early so I can see him first and tell him you totally want to marry him and have his babies! Love you sister! See you at work! By the way, you moan in your sleep, just thought you should know that. Maybe I should warn Emmett, just so he knows what he is getting into!

Leah

I officially hated my sister. I have never gotten dressed so fast in my life. I threw on clothes, not even bothering with a bra as I ran out of the apartment and to the home just in time to see Leah and Emmett talking out on the front porch. Leah spotted me and smiled wide at my panicked expression. "Oh look, there she is! Having a hard time waking up this morning?"

"You know I am forced to love you because we are related, right?" I grumped as I walked past her. She laughed hard taking my hand as we walked to my office. "Oh be sweet, we were just talking about how this was a step up from the clinic for you."

I turned looking at her face to see if she was teasing me but she seemed serious so I nodded. Thank god. Leah kissed my cheek before scampering off to the nurses office, leaving me and Emmett alone in the office.

"So I hear that you think that dating me would benefit the moral of the world over all." Emmett said casually smirking up at me.

_Damnit Leah_.

"Well, I am pretty sure Leah trying to see how many shades of red she can make me turn is a world moral booster as well, but that is only a theory." I said dropping my things on my desk.

"I don't know, my moral is lifted." He said laughing. I smiled looking back at him.

"Juts ignore her, she seems to think that if I don't go on a date for some length of time, then my girly parts will no longer work and I will become the cat lady." _Wow, way not to filter there, Bella_.

Emmett didn't seem phased, in fact he was laughing hard. "Well that would be a shame!"

"Yeah, she only worries because she hates cats." I snorted, smirking at his laughter. When he got himself calmed down some, he grinned over at me. "So, in the interest of world wide moral, why don't you go out with me?"

Everything in me froze. Why shouldn't i? I literally don't remember the last time I went out on a date. I should be jumping at this chance. Look at him he is gorgeous and funny and sweet. SAY YES!

I gave him a small smile. "Isn't there some sort of no employees dating clause or something?"

Emmett laughed again. "Are you going to make me quit? I will."

I laughed and felt a little lighter. "Well I guess a date isn't really hurting anything. Too many after that though, I might take you up on that."

_**A/U: okay so i know that some of you are really confused, but i am setting a pattern here. She is going to be like a light switch with her personality. watch how it develops. i hope you like it, let me know what you think.**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/U: SORRY! This was supposed to beta'd but my beta up and gew a life on me so now i just posted it with my meager betaing skills. Mistakes are mine and I own them, so there. **_

_**love you all**_

Chapter 5

I am chasing the Armani Code Black that I just smelled as I left the half way house that is down the street from my apartment. I just stepped outside and there is was and now I have to find it because I know to whom it belongs.

Let me back up.

My name is Swan. The actual name is Isabella Swan, but no one calls me that. I hate that name. It's just Swan. I have a father who is a cop and a step mom that he knocked up a few months ago. She came with a few kids of her own so I went from only child to having a brother and a sister and now one on the way. I'll tell you this woman can breed.

I live on my own in the same apartment complex that my new older sister lives. We see each other sometimes as we come and go. Leah, my sister, is nice I guess. Kind of a slut though, but hey, if you got an itch you can't get yourself then why not. I don't work yet, since no one will hire a crazy person. Especially one that spent more then a year in a nut house and are still a whack job.

Charlie wanted me to move into the halfway house with the other crazies, but do you know how unmonitored those places are? People are raped in places like that all the fucking time and although I honestly believe I could kill anyone who tried, I didn't want to get sent back to the nut house again. Not that I would mind the company.

It's hard out here and to top it off I am still crazy. I am chasing fucking cologne.

It's Paul I know it that smell anywhere.

My hands were shaking and I took a breath, inhaling the scent again. I went to the nearest payphone (yes they still have them here on the rez) and dialed the number that my fingers knew by heart.

"Swan, it's only been two weeks, you said you weren't coming back." The deep voice greeted. It had an unmistakable edge of amusement to it.

"Paul, please." I whined fidgeting as I looked around. I spotted a counselor from the house and hurried up to duck behind the payphone stand, effectively hiding myself. It was the big guy that liked to touch. I mean he was gorgeous don't get me wrong, but it just got weird when he started thinking he was free to touch the way he does. Not in a forward sexual way, but way too friendly for a counselor. He acted as if we knew each other.

And he called me Isabella and that just grated my nerves.

"Swan focus." Paul's voice brought me back to the present.

"I am here. I am hiding from the counselors." I whispered, peeking around watching the big guy get into his car and drive away.

"Come over now, they are switching shifts so we have a half an hour." Paul said quickly, hanging up without another word. That was just him. Get the point across and if you got it or not, fuck off.

Paul got out of the nut house a few weeks after I left. When I did my first once a month visit to the hospital to check in with Dr. Cullen, Sammy Scrubs told me it was like me leaving gave him a reason to be better. So he did. He wasn't free though. Because of the particular gruesomeness of his crimes before, he was on house arrest with people monitoring him almost 24 / 7. He says it will have to stay that way for the next the few weeks and then they will gradually back off.

We weren't supposed to see each other. Dr. Cullen said we were each other's crutches and being around ach other just helped us hold on to the past. The past is what made us insane, so in short we were bad for each other.

I couldn't stay away from him though. I don't know why. It wasn't as if we were any friendlier to each other. We fought all the time. I don't even think we liked each other much, but he was familiar to me. He was someone I could talk to and know that he was just as fucked up as I was.

I took the path through the woods to get to Paul's place. It was a tiny one bedroom house that his grandmother left to him. She passed while he was in the hospital, but was all the family he had left. He told me once that she used to send cookies and things because it was he daughter that his father killed, so there was nothing but gratitude towards Paul from the old woman.

I didn't even knock on the door, I just walked in. "Paul?"

"Back here." The response came from the bedroom. I made my way back there dropping my bag and shoes in the living room. Paul was OCD when it came to the house. No shoes allowed. I walked back there to see him sitting in the middle of boxes, covered in dust and old photos. I sat next to him, careful not to crumple the pictures. "This was a time I don't even remember." He handed me a photo.

It was of a little boy holding up his arms that grasping too large boxing gloves, smiling widely. I smiled down at the little boy. "You used to be innocent."

Paul snorted taking back the picture when I handed it to him. He frowned at the picture and dropped it into a pile of others with the same small depiction of an innocent time for Paul. The frown and confusion remained on his face when he looked back up at me.

"You don't have to be so hard anymore Paul." I said gently, knowing what things like these photos can do to you. I never really paid much attention when Dr. Cullen or Sammy told me about "trigger's" that can bring back the past as vivid as if it were happing in real life. Since I have been out, I pay attention.

The vulnerable look was wiped away and replaced by the familiar hungry look I knew well. I braced myself knowing what was coming. "I didn't come here for that."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't." I said firmly lying.

He lifted his hand, holding the back of my neck to pull me closer. "Why did you call?" He used his deep whispery voice that made my lady bits quiver.

I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath. "I smelled the cologne." When I opened my eyes again, I saw his smirk and glared at him. "Fuck you, Paul."

"Oh I planned on it." He growled, pulling me over to him, forcing me over all the carefully organized photos. I grunted when our lips crashed together and his fists took purchase in my hair. He was growling an angry mumbling against me, lifting me from the floor by my hair, our lips still connected. "Fuck you Swan and your life altering words of advice."

I pushed against his chest enough to deliver a hard slap that only seemed to flare the fires in his eyes. "Then take your pity party and shove it up your ass." He shoved me hard and I fell backwards across the bed, glaring up at him as he crawled across me to take a hold of my jaw, kissing my lips hard.

Sweet familiarity.

"You know we have to stop doing this." I said as I sat up in the bed. It was dark now and I was pretty sure that we had passed the half an hour limit by as few hours at least, but I didn't care. No one came busting in to break us apart so I can only assume that the guards on duty didn't care either. Maybe even enjoyed the show, I mean it isn't as if we were trying to be quiet.

"You say that every time you come here." Paul said pulling out two cigarettes and lighting them. He handed one to me and looked over at me, watching my face.

"That is because it is true every time." I replied taking the cigarette and taking a deep drag. I couldn't smoke at the apartment, so this was a nice treat. I sighed looking up at the ceiling of his small room. "I lost two weeks this time." I said quietly, looking over at him.

Paul frowned. "That is why you haven't called? You don't remember anything?"

I shook my head taking another long drag. "I woke this morning in my apartment and that was the only thing that I remembered. Other then two weeks ago. I remember going to sleep. I knew time had past when I woke up but I didn't know how much."

"Do you know if you were actually doing things or just shut down in the house?" Paul asked, reaching around me to grab the ash tray. I tapped my ashes and shook my head again. "I am pretty sure I was just living my life. The counselor from the home has gotten friendlier, like we got close or something but I don't remember saying more then a few words to him."

A dark look passed over Paul's face and he sat up all the way. "What do you mean friendlier?"

I put up a soothing hand and rolled my eyes at him. "Knock it off Rocky, it isn't as patient / caregiver sexual predatory as it sounds. I mean like throwing an arm around my shoulders and offering hugs and offering the seat next to him, instead of across from him when we meet. That sort of thing."

"Does it make you uncomfortable?" Paul asked seriously, his jaw muscle ticking.

I nodded slowly and he jumped out of bed, looking around for his jeans. I put my forgotten cigarette into the ash tray and crawled across the bed looking up at him. "What do you plan on doing?"

"I am going over there and teaching him to keep his fucking hands to himself." Paul growled.

I tilted my head smirking at him. "Because you are jealous or because you think that is the right way to handle this?"

Getting frustrated with being unable to find his jeans, he turned to me and glared. "I just fucked you in more ways that are legal, I am pretty sure that a few hugs and touches aren't going to make me jealous."

I grabbed his thighs which were face level now and bit the skin, making him hiss. "Then why get sent back to the hospital over something so stupid?" I grinned up at him and winked. "Not when I can think of a lot of things that we can do here instead."

I could see the fight leaving his features. His hand reached out and threaded into my hair and I knew I won. I opened my mouth obligingly and he filled me all the way to the back of my throat.

I was shook awake the next morning just as the sun was just peeking out over the mountains. "Swan, get the fuck out."

"Fuck you Paul."

"I am serious Swan, my case worker is coming and I can't have you over. You have to get the fuck out." I peek an eye open and did my best to glare at him with it. I have lots of come backs, but I knew he was serious so I slowly got up shaking the cobwebs from my brain.

"You can stay longer if you want to give me an early morning blow job." Paul laughed walking out of the room. I picked up one of his shoes off the floor and threw it at him.

"Take the time you have on your own to lean to blow yourself."

"I'll call you later." he said, choosing not to respond to that.

I pulled on my jeans and grabbed my shit before leaving without a goodbye. I am not a morning person.

I slowly walked back towards the apartment, looking forward to my nice comfy bed. I don't know why I do this to myself with Paul. I could be fucking one of those creepy characters that like to follow women around. I knew that wasn't true. As fucked up as our friendship was, it was working for us. Mostly.

"I thought you were going to come by today, we could go to lunch?" I jumped when the voice pulled my out of my thoughts. It was fully light outside now and the breeze brought in the ocean smell, even here in the woods. So really I shouldn't be so jumpy, but when it was a big fella' like Emmett the counselor and you're all of maybe 5 feet tall, you tend to get startled. "Whoa, I'm sorry; I didn't mean to scare you."

I shook my head, trying to focus. "Umm, no, you know I am not feeling too well today, I don't think I am coming by the house today?" That was an acceptable reason to skip therapy, right? Suddenly I wasn't so sure of myself. "That is okay right?"

Emmett laughed and reached out to touch my shoulder. It was everything I had not to flinch. "Of course it's alright. Just feel better, okay? I'll see you later."

I nodded fast, making my escape quickly into the apartment building and to my door. I unlocked it as if being chased by wolves and slammed it shut. What was with this guy? Maybe he was in to me. Like romantically. I smirked and shook my head. As gorgeous as he may be, not my type.

_What was your type? Pale, snobby and rapey?_

I growled at myself holding my head. No, he wasn't in this room. It is 2013, you are in La Push. These things are real, his voice isn't real." Sometimes this rambling worked, sometimes it didn't. I just started doing it to remind myself of what was real. This is usually about the time where I head over to see Paul, but I just came from there and his case worker was no doubt there already.

I don't need Paul. I can do this on my own. I dug around the apartment looking for the pills that Dr. Cullen said I was to take when reality was starting to lose the battle against fantasy. I couldn't find them anywhere. I don't even remember where I could have put them. Every thing was different.

Maybe someone at the club will have some pills. _Yes, that sounds like a plan_. I stopped trashing my house and left again, carefully keeping an eye out for Emmett or any other counselor that might recognize me and headed for the club. The club was the community recreation center on the rez. It wasn't far, maybe a ten minute walk from my apartment.

The club was put in around the same time as the half way house. The elders said it was to keep the youth of the reservation active and out of trouble, but really, it was to keep the crazies contained and well looked after with still giving the illusion of freedom. They had pool tables, a boxing ring, and an in door half pipe for the skateboarders. It really did keep a lot of us out of trouble. Well, kept the trouble with in the club anyways.

Other then a great community service that the club provided for the reservation, it had a darker side of prescription drug selling and alcohol bootlegging. This is where I go when I am getting too edgy and Paul wasn't available to me.

"Swan!" I was greeted like Norm on cheers when I walked in. I smiled and nodded to those that greeted me, walking to the back to talk to Jared, the club owner. He smiled as I approached and opened his arms. I knew Jared from when we were in school. He understood what had happened to me, in fact was the one to find me and get me cleaned up with… _**He**_ left me in the woods. Jared was closer to me then my own family. Including Jake.

I folded into his arms looking up and grinning at him. He smiled down at me and leaned down pressing his lips to mine quickly. "Hello idigo." He greeted in Quileute, calling me sister.

"Hello diganeli." I said back, acknowledging him as brother.

"Are you doing okay? It's been a while since I've seen you." He said, throwing an arm over my shoulders and heading to his office. I nodded holding on to him. "I lost two weeks this time."

Jared shook his head giving me a level look. "That's why you're here now then?" he knew me all too well. I nodded and rubbed my face sitting in the chair that was opposite of his desk. "It is getting bad. I actually heard him again today."

He frowned sitting up and rummaging through his drawers. "Did you talk to Paul?"

"Yeah, I spent the night there last night and it was still bad today." I shook my head. "I think the medication isn't working anymore. I mean my house is completely different, as if when I was in the blank for those two weeks, I rearranged everything. It doesn't even look like my place anymore."

Jared shook a bottle and handed it to me; I looked at the label and nodded. It was equal to the stuff that they gave me in the hospital. It won't make me sane but it will calm me the fuck down. "Idigo, why don't you come live with me, I mean it's still on the rez and I can keep you grounded, especially when Paul isn't available."

I grinned at him knowingly. "You cannot call me Idigo and throw out an offer like that and you know it." I stood and smiled, walking around the desk to sit on his lap holding him tight. "You know I love you Diganeli, if this doesn't get any better, then I will take you up on that, deal?"

He nodded smiling up at me. "Deal, now take some here so I know you will get home alright. I don't want to get a call from your pops later saying that you have gone missing."

I nodded getting up and walking over to the mini fridge in the corner and pulling out a small bottle of Jack like the one you get on an air plane. I opened up my bottle and shook two pills out, popping them into my mouth, chasing them with the small bottle of Jack. I thanked Jared and said my good bye to the people at the club before walking home.

Maybe I should start writing a journal, so that when I blank again, I might have a record on what happened. Yes, actually that is brilliant. I will do it as soon as I get home.

It never happened. I hit my bed and fell asleep almost instantly.

_**Now had anyone caught on yet? Can you see where i am going with this? Please review, this is a pretty twisted and weird story so i want to know what you all think. Also, Do you guys like when i make video's for the stories or does it matter to you?**_


	6. Chapter 6

**_A/u: Okay okay i know this is WAY SUPER LATE, however between Halloween and all the parties and school functions my son had to do, life just kinda made time fly, so here it is. I cut it short so I could get this out faster to you guys. Let me know what you think. ALSO don't forget that on my profile I have the video for this story posted, plus the videos for my other stories._ **

Chapter 6

"Are you feeling any better?" I jumped about three feet into the air and spun around clutching my heart as I searched for the voice that sliced through the silence of the small office. It was early in the morning and I wasn't expecting anyone but me to be here already. Emmett was looking way too amused at the fact that he just scared the shit out of me and I made a face at him before turning back around. "Huh?"

I heard him walking into the room more, heading to his desk. I was pretending to sort through my files but truthfully, when ever he comes into the room, any sort of plans I had about functioning properly goes out the window. "You said you weren't feeling well the other day…" he let the statement trail off and I turned to look at him to see what he was playing at.

Apparently, nothing at all because his face told me he was dead serious. I frowned looking at him but not really seeing him s my mind scanned the past 48 hours and couldn't remember once telling Emmett that I hadn't felt well. Luckily, his grin grew more and he shook his head. "Damn, is the pressure getting to you already?"

I shook my head and put on a smile. "I guess so; I don't remember saying that at all. So are we on for tonight still?" I tried not to sound too eager, but seriously, it's out fourth real date with just us. Number four dates are pretty big in my book because I allow more of a personal good night kiss on the fourth date, if he wants that I mean. I am not assuming it will happen, but I defiantly will not swat him away with a bat if he tried to make out with me on my door step.

Confusion passed over his face for only a second and the grin was back full swing. "Well since you don't remember not feeling well, I will assume that you are feeling well enough to go out, so yes. I will pick you up at six?"

I smiled wide and nodded. He gave a quick scan of the hall and walked over to my side of the room, holding my shoulders in his hands as he looked down into my eyes. He had been getting steadily more affectionate and I absolutely loved it. How he always found a way to touch me or even steal cheek kisses when no one was looking. We have had a few chaste kisses on my doorstep, but nothing ground breaking.

He gently smoothed the back of his hand along my cheek and I couldn't help but lean into the soft touch. I closed my eyes and smiled. When I opened them again he was smiling, though his eyes had a heat in them that spoke of sexual tension that I understood on some basic human instinct level, given the embarrassingly over due virginity status that I still held.

He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine with more pressure then normal, but not without his usual composure. I gave equal pressure back (I had to move to my tip toes), sliding my arms around his waist. He pulled back, but kept our bodies close and smiled. "I thought I should leave you with something to look forward for tonight."

I laughed shaking my head at him. "You loser, I was already looking forward to tonight without the enticement. Now I am just all bothered." I grinned giving his butt a pat before moving away and towards my desk. Okay yes, that was a tease move, but that was also the extent of my confidence. I just called him a loser and smacked his ass in one swoop. I am on the verge of a panic attack.

He walked out of the room with a smile and I nearly fell apart the second he was out of view. I pulled myself together and gathered my wits enough to go on with my day, only briefly thinking on the oddness of him thinking that I told him that I wasn't feeling well. I mean, why would I do that?

This is a date with Emmett we are talking about. Nobody would do that.

Maybe he was just worried about me backing out and convinced himself that I was already planning to? All right, Bella don't go all shrink on him already. I laughed to myself and headed out for the rounds of the days.

The stalker twins were doing better, we had even taken them to a movie as a social exercise and they didn't look twice at anyone.

I was just leaving my office when I saw Leah waving me down. I detoured, going to see what was up. "Hey they police just got done with the apartment and will give us an update by tonight." She said in a low voice when I approached her.

I sighed in relief. "Thank goodness, because seriously, this is the rez. Everyone knows everyone, why would someone break into our apartment?"

Lean nodded seriously. "Like it was personal, right?" Very personal, as in my room and all of the things in the house that was mine had been the only things that were messed with. It looked as if they were looking for something. Thank goodness, I was out of medication, so they couldn't have stolen that. My was stopping off at the clinic to get more today and I had my pills I needed to get through the day in my desk here at the halfway house since this is where I spend my day. Other then the drugs, I have no idea why I was targeted, but it was scary enough just to know that someone did that. Right under our noses too, I mean I had gone for a walk in the woods and ended up over by the CRC or as most the locals called it 'The Club' and by the time I got home, the place was trashed.

I nodded too worrying my lip some. "Yeah, that is what I was thinking. I don't think I have pissed off anyone late but," I shrugged gesturing at the house we were in. "We kind of work with people that don't have much of a rhyme or reason to the things that they do."

Leah gave my hand a quick squeeze and ran off to do whatever Leah does around the house. Seriously, she is running somewhere every time I see her, but I didn't think that an on staff nurse with a group of like 8 people would need a nurse so urgently all throughout the day.

The rest of my day went pretty fast and I soon found myself looking at the clock and wondering if the feeling I was getting was anxiety or excitement for the up coming date. It was excitement; I mean I have already gone on three dates with him. What if he thinks I suck as making out? What if he just wants to make out and then done with me?

_Really, retard_? He has dated you for this long, just to make out with you? Come on. Okay so maybe not that. _Why am I talking to myself_? Oh god because I forgotten to take my medication and my crazy is starting to show.

I looked frantically around through my drawers for my small pill box of medication. It was always in the same spot, but I was nervous and panicked. I popped my medication into my mouth and took a huge gulp of my cold water and trying to take deep breaths to calm myself. Unfortunately, it was at the same time and I choked, coughing loudly.

I set my head on my desk, trying desperately to catch my breath when a heard a small chuckle from in front of me. I looked up quickly and almost knocked my water bottle over in the process. A man was standing in front of my desk with an amused smirk across his face. _Why do all the men I meet look at me like that_? He was handsome, clearly someone I had never met before and yet, so very familiar. He sat casually in the chair I had in front of the desk, as if he had been doing it for years and there was nothing odd about his just showing up.

"You going to make it, Swan?" He asked chuckling again when I just sat there staring at him. "I heard you got a job here and thought that I would come pop in on your, make sure you were staying out of trouble."

I frowned at him. Maybe he was from the clinic, a patient that I was seeing there and was looking for me again. "It's Bella actually and I keep well enough, Mister…"

He grinned wide and nodded as if he had expected me to be confused. "Oh you're Bella here, huh? Not good enough to go by Swan while you're working with the normies?"

I shook my head to clear it, thinking hard to scrape together any memory of this man who obviously knew me. "Normies? Look, can I help you with something? Are you from the clinic?"

This time the amused look started to fade from his face and I did a mental uh-oh. He was obviously unstable and if I trigger him off, he could get violent. "What game do you think you're playing, because it doesn't look good on you?"

I opened and closed my mouth, unsure of really how to go about this. "Well, I will tell you what; I bet that if we get the other counselors in here, someone will know you and know how to help you better then I can."

"Do you know how to give a blow job?" he asked calmly and seriously. I almost choked again. Be cool Bella, if this is a sexual offender case then the answer could mean him staying calm or not staying calm.

"Are you asking advice on the act or looking for my personal input on the subject?" I asked calmly, keeping my gaze level with his.

He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, cocking his head to the side slightly. His face was tense now and his eyes were cold. "It is a legitimate question. Do you know how to give a blow job?"

He was trying to shake me. Test my boundaries. "I know the fundamentals, yes."

He grinned at me again, but it was unsettling now. It didn't reach his eyes and it looked cruel. "Well then I think you know exactly how to help me _Bella_." He sneered my name at the end and stood slowly. Oh, god this guy was fucking huge. There was no fighting him off if he took it in his mind to attack me.

"Is there a problem here?" Emmett's voice came from the doorway.

I jumped to my feet and moved out from around the desk, quickly moving to Emmett's side pulling him towards the man. "Emmett! This gentlemen was just coming in for a chat with me, we knew each other from…" I looked at the man expectantly, hoping he would finish the sentence for me.

"Greater Colombia." The man said, ignoring the hand that Emmett automatically put out as greeting. "We were cell mates and I thought I would come and say hello."

I had no idea what he was talking about and I looked at Emmett and he gave me a funny look before turning back to the man. "And your name would be?"

The man looked at me. "She knows."

I frowned shaking my head. "I am sorry, I really don't."

He narrowed his eyes at me and Emmett sprung into action with his charming distraction that he uses on the people in the house to keep a fight from escalating. "Well, my name is Emmett and if you are looking for a place here in the home, you will have to give me—"

Emmett's voice dropped when he realized that the deadly look I had been getting from the man was now turned on him. "Emmett? You know I have been wanting to meet you Emmett. I have heard a lot about you. How you like to touch your patients in a too friendly way and make them so uncomfortable that they hide from you."

_What?!_

Emmett's face was a mix between confusion and rage. "Now that is too serious an accusation to go around saying to just anyone."

"I wasn't saying it to just anyone, I was saying it to you and do you know where I heard it?" the man's cruel smirk was back as he turned to face me. "Her."

_**What?!**_

My mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water. My cheeks burned and shook my head fast from side. The man snorted at me and gave me a sneering glare as he looked me over from head to toe as if I was no better then the dog poo he had just stepped in. Emmett reached for his arm but the man backed up fast, his arms rose above his head and walked right out the door again.

When he was gone, I sat heavily into the chair that he was in moments before and held my heart. "Oh my gosh, what was that all about?" No answer came so I looked up and saw that Emmett was only just looking me over with a small crease in his brow. "What?"

"You have never met that man before?" he asked calmly and I shook me head fast.

"No oh gosh, I have never even seen him before today." I said, trying to convey as much sincerity as I could.

"And you have never been to Greater Columbia?"

I frowned shaking my head again. "No, that is like six hours away. I was in a health recovery spa in Seattle." I stood up and walked over to him, taking his ands in mine and looking into his eyes. "I wasn't going to tell you that until tonight because I didn't want to freak you out, but I was in for a break down I had. It wasn't anything like greater Columbia though, I mean, that is where they hold the criminally insane, right?"

Emmett visibly relaxed and smiled at me slightly. "Yes and I didn't really believe him, but I had to ask, you know?"

I smiled back at him, calmer now knowing he believed me. "I know it's alright." I moved to my tip toes and kissed him lips lightly, keeping my eyes on his. He grabbed the back of my head as I started to pull away and kept my lips to his, humming softly against my lips as he put pressure into the kiss. When he finally released me I grinned up at him. "We still okay for tonight?"

He put some dramatics into thinking about it. "I don't know, I think I have learned more then enough things about you for one day." He said smiling.

I laughed and put on a pouty face, making him groan at me. "Well if you are going to make that face then I guess we can still go out to night."

"You guess?" I asked, pretending to be shocked.

"What do I get for this great show of understanding and faith?" he asked grinning widely now.

I laughed hard and backed up some before winking at him as I headed out the door. "I would say you have earned yourself a proper good night kiss."

**_What do you think? Get where I am going with this now? Let me what you guys think._ **


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